Emma Gulseven takes this week’s singles and gives them some uptown top Shabby-Rankin’.

CHAMPAGNE
Lady Gaga featuring Beyoncé/Telephone
A review of Lady Gaga's music is a little redundant. It's not really the point - a point, perhaps, but only as important as the rest of it - the "I would rather die than have my fans see me out of a pair of high heels", the silver glitter lobster head accoutrement ("hat" is just too banal), and the stupendous videos. Lady Gaga is never "out in the club, sippin' that bubb'", so thankfully she sets the video in a hypersexual, hyperviolent "Prison For Bitches", in the Pussy Wagon she shares with girlfriend Beyoncé, and in the Diner in which she poisons all the customers. Beyoncé's 8-bar vocal is a lesson in solid-gold guest spots (cf Luda, below) and with Darkchild producing, LG achieves another ludicrously danceable, ludicrously memorable pop classic.

PROSECCO
Cheryl Cole/Parachute
It is super-kind of JLS to lend Beat Again to Cheryl Cole to recycle into Parachute. The song displays an interesting juxtaposition of punchy musical arrangement and romantic, soft lyrics; the negative of the insipid "Fight For This Love". Cheryl Cole has managed to extricate herself from her girlband mould but mainly via the Hello!/celeb scandal route, which is depressing. This song is good, she's doing well, but is it unfair to have expected something a bit more... amazing?

BUCKS FIZZ
Michael Bublé/Cry Me A River
Bublé shoots his big-voiced, string-arrangemented, Bond-themed wad over an American standard. It is very accomplished and, like Mayer (below), Bublé is a well-oiled business machine. There are six versions of his current album available. SIX versions. But Bublé is essentially completely bland. He has the sort of face that you would need to have tattooed onto your own face to stand even the smallest of chances of remembering what it, he, and you looked like. This is not the worst song ever to be recorded.

SCHLOER
John Mayer/Heartbreak Warfare
John Mayer is outlandishly famous in America. Here he attempts to rub our faces in it by releasing the longest 4 minutes and 30 seconds you will ever experience. It's as if he wants to prove that he is so outlandishly famous, he can walk into a recording studio, decide to record 4 minutes and 30 seconds of him doing Phil Collins doing a Bono, send that recording to his record company, force them to mass produce it, and then release it as a single over here. All this on his say so. And why? Because John Mayer is outlandishly famous in America.

SODASTREAM
Justin Bieber/Baby
Very strange set-up - pop child sings uncomfortably grown-up lyrics ("I'll buy you anything, I'll buy you any ring" even though all he should be able to afford is a Claire's Accessories trinket, the little arsehole) set to slick R&B tunes with respectable collabos, eg Ludacris. Ludacris is a master of the rent-a-rap, sure, but it's weird hearing him reminiscing on his first love when his current solo effort How Low Can You Go is about his real first love: ladies' massive bottoms jiggling about. Anyway, this is absolutely and irredeemably hideous and should be avoided at all costs, even to the extent of removing the tiny hammer bone that makes noises happen in your ear.