Shabby Ranks has the levels on his computer set all wrong so he can barely hear the songs he's reviewing. But he's going to plough on regardless.

SYMPHONY HALL
Laura Marling/Rambling Man
Warbling woman, more like! Eh? What? Eh? Where does she get that accent from, for God's sake? She sounds like David Quantick doing an impression of Tom Cruise in Far And Away. If you can get past that then Rambling Man is her best song. Not that I can make that out from this. On these headphones it sounds like she's singing it over a mobile phone, walking in and out of a motorway tunnel.

BUSH HALL
Mos Def/History
That title is asking for it a bit, isn't it, given the state of his recent output. Perhaps that's what he's rapping about but all I can really hear is "tory" from the "history" that's sung on the sample repeated over and over again over some white noise. (Perhaps Nick Clegg listened to this, etc.). Despite all that it's somehow jaunty.

BRIXTON ACADEMY
Silver Columns/Cavalier
I'm getting autotune over synth. That's about it. And now a clapping drum machine and some burbling whistles and a voice through a megaphone. If listening to this song like this doesn't make you feel ill, you're a robot. It's quite long too but it seems to build into something. It's just not really obvious under these conditions what that is.

BACKROOM OF PUB WHILE PEOPLE CHAT
Boyzone/Love Is A Hurricane
Ah, the blessed relief of distortion. Hang on. This isn't a ballad, is it? Or is it? It seems a bit upbeat. Now that would be really unfair on poor old Gately. Sits on those stools for years listening to and performing tedious droning balls. Then dies for no reason/because of his gayness and then the band go and do a record that doesn't make you wish for the blessed release of death's welcoming arms. Or maybe Ronan's Yvonne was holding them back.

MOBILE PHONE ON TOP OF BUS
Drake/Over
Hot young rapper and protege of Lil Wayne slurs his way through some workaday rapping. There's strings and horns on the samples but they're all broken up by this bloody computer. Can't make out many of the words but he does mention the Rosetta Stone, so he deserves points for that. What does come through crystal clear is that the chorus is really annoying.